Insiders always start by attacking Motorola's corporate culture, formed decades ago when radio was the company's bread-and-butter. Motorola made its bones building end-to-end systems—not just hardware, but the infrastructure that supports it. That, in turn, has led to a culture in which engineers reign supreme, and are allowed to sneer at their more right-brain-inclined colleagues. Marketers? Designers who focus on usability as opposed to circuitry? At Motorola, they're peons.

"There's this amazing wealth of engineering talent, but there's no system for harnessing that talent for the good of the consumer," says one former Motorola executive. The men in the R&D labs are permitted to indulge their flights of fancy, many of which center on fine-tuning antennas to optimize reception. Meanwhile, no one pays much attention to more prosaic fundamentals such as reliable software.

Another Motorola departee told Gizmodo that the company group charged with consumer research has been marginalized by the engineers, who dismiss its concerns—and, to a large extent, its very existence—as inconsequential. "With the engineers," he said, "there's this attitude of, "I create—what do you do? You pick out colors?'"

The engineers could theoretically be kept in check by corporate managers, but few suits are bold enough to act. A Motorola insider noted that long-serving managers have "deity status" at the company—no matter how many of their products flop, they never suffer repercussions.

The RAZR, a design victory as much as an engineering one, only came about due to the gumption of chief marketing office Geoffrey Frost. Following the RAZR's overnight success, Moto commissioned an in-house team to research the company's next step. Countless hours were spent pulling together focus-group studies and carrier feedback, but it was all for naught—the research was simply ignored by Motorola's top brass. "They have this attitude of, 'Well, I've built phones for 20 years, I know what I'm doing," says a frustrated member of that team, who noted that once Frost died in 2005, there was no one left with the chops and political capital to route around Moto's stick-in-the-mud managers.

Motorola's managerial bumbling has resulted in severe cultural malaise—a condition made worse by the mobile unit's location in the deep Chicago suburbs, hardly a place awash in creative energy. (Few 22-year-old design wunderkinds are willing to forego the Bay Area in favor of Libertyville.)

Keep in mind, too, that Motorola was the birthplace of Six Sigma, a methodology meant to eliminate product defects. But Six Sigma was created in 1986, well before the era of ubiquitous cellphones; its focus is engineering, not end-user experience. The methodology is therefore unequipped to address many of the shortcomings that have irked so many customers.

Take, for example, the navigation joystick on the ill-fated first-gen ROKR. It looked cool and worked as intended, but not without minor headaches: The joystick was a hair too sensitive, making it too easy to scroll past your music selection. Or take the Q—relatively powerful, but why in heaven's name didn't it auto-capitalize address book names, or allow for copy-and-paste? Sure these may strike you as minor details, but minor details make the difference in a competitive handset market. And Motorola's aging quality-control program wasn't designed to catch such annoying foibles.

Six Sigma and its companion product-development methodology, dubbed "M-Gates," both stress caution in the name of quality. But when it comes to innovation, there's certainly such a thing as too much wariness. In planning its software path after the RAZR's smashing success, Motorola knew (to its credit) that its Synergy OS was antiquated. But instead of developing a worthy successor, the company decided to wait around for Windows Mobile, ostensibly because it was a sure thing. Big mistake, as we all now know. Motorola next turned to Linux, which has never lived up to expectations. That's left the company scrambling for replacements, a panic that has led to the striking of numerous deals with potential software partners—"throwing darts at a board," as one former Motorola employee put it. It's also meant that different generations of the same phone end up running completely different software—the RAZR2 3G, for example, runs on the old P2K OS, while the 2.5G variant uses Linux. Both are painfully slow.

Motorola can still find the way forward—this is, after all, a company that's long done wondrous things in the lab. Surely it can figure out how to make its software work more fluidly, or realize that consumers actually care about such "trifling" issues as external volume rockers and intuitive menus.

Ex-employees are nearly unanimous in stating that bringing on Sanjay Jha as co-CEO (and designated handset-division savior) is a reasonable gamble. It's been clear for months now that CEO Greg Brown is in way over his head. "He has no idea how to run a consumer electronics business," grumbles one critic, adding that Brown's previous job was at an enterprise software company. While Jha is well regarded for his operational prowess and sheer intelligence, it's worth noting that he's fresh off a 14-year run at Qualcomm. Did chipmaking really prepare Jha to address the needs of Joe Sixpack consumers?

Our contacts contend that Jha's rescue plan needs to focus on two important areas—one technical, the other cultural. First, the company needs to streamline its wireless development, so that phone models are designed in conjunction with one another—thereby ending the lunacy of different generations featuring different (and inadequate) software. Second, there needs to be a reconciliation between the engineering heroes and the consumer research folks, who are currently out in the wilderness.

That can happen if Motorola opens its eyes to the very real design problems that plague generation after generation of its handsets. But does the company's leadership have the will to really shake things up? Some curmudegeonly engineers and managers are going to resist with every fiber of their beings. May the Force be with you, Mr. Jha.

Gizmodo columnist Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and author of the Now the Hell Will Start: One Soldier's Flight from the Greatest Manhunt of World War II.

First Place — K. Bacon
Second Place — Jared Griffiths
Third Place — Jacky Radivoy
A smaller Gallery of Champions than usual this week for some reason. Don't worry, I'll bring back your precious Photoshop for next week's contest.

Breakfast:

Say now, what's that sizzlin' on the skilllet? Why its delicious pancakes of course! And they come in a can! Indeed, a few sprays of this Batter Blaster and you are in for some fantastic phony flapjacks. Plus, Batter Blaster is organic, so you know it's good and good for you. [Batter Blaster via Link]

What are pancakes without a side of bacon? You might as well feed it to the dog, I say. Not to worry though, one can of bacon holds up to 50 slices of salty, fatty goodness that the whole family will enjoy. So stock up and grab a case of 12 for $110. You and your cardiologist will be glad you did. [MREdepot via Link]

Lunch:

How do hot dogs sound? Sure, you could just pop them in the microwave and be done with it, but this hot dog maker does so much more than cook your wieners. It can also make popcorn, boil eggs, heat up your buns and steam your steamables. Available for $30. [Spilsbury via Link]

Maybe you prefer a hot sandwich? We have you covered there too with these reusable Tostabags. Just place two slices of buttered bread and some cheese in one of the Toastabags then pop it in a toaster with some wide slots. When all is said and done you will have a delicious grilled cheese sandwich with minimal effort. It works with all kinds of sandwich ingredients as well. Two bags will set you back about $18. [LatestBuy]

Dinner:

You've already had pancakes and bacon in a can, now try the infamous cheeseburger in a can! That's right, if you can keep it down, a soggy McDonald's-esque flavor sensation will be your reward. And hey, it [probably] won't kill you! Priced around $6 a can. [Link]

Why wait 30 minutes for delivery when this dual oven can cook up two 12-inch pizzas in 90 seconds? The oven heats up to 790 degrees and features roof-mounted 1,440-watt coil heating elements and ceramic pizza stones to ensure thorough, even cooking. Priced at $250 (currently sold out). [Hammacher via Link]

Sometimes burgers and pizza are just not good enough. When you are feeling like something a little fancier, give the steak toaster a try. Just place the steak in the vertical heating unit and watch in awe as your mouth watering meat cooks to perfection. Plus, all the fat and grease drips to the bottom tray to prevent smoking. Available for $220. [Ariete via Link]

Dessert:

After a good meal, most of us crave something sweet. The Dough-nu-Matic can serve up a dozen piping hot mini-donuts in under 6 minutes. All you need to do is add the dough. Available for $130. [SkyMall]

Who doesn't love s'mores? Unfortunately, we all can't make perfect s'mores by the campfire all the time, so this bizarre looking little contraption can do it for us right in the microwave. The manufacturers claim that it can make two perfect s'mores in under 30 seconds flat thanks to the little arms that keep the marshmallow from overexpanding. Available for $7. [Amazon via Link]

Cooking on the Go:

Even when you can't be at home, you can still avoid pricey restaurants on the road using this 12V In-Car Microwave. Just plug it into your cigarette lighter and get cooking. Available for $169. [Maplin]

Bonus Gadget: Just like the in-car-microwave before it, this portable sandwich maker puts flavor before safety. It is also 12V and plugs directly into your car cigarette lighter. Available for $20. [QVC]

To be fair, Monkey Ball has improved a lot on its spiritual forebear, with lush, fully 3D graphics and over 100 well-designed levels. It superficially reflects a few generational steps forward in handheld gaming. One thing that hasn’t changed is the control mechanism. Consider this IGN review of Kirby from April of 2001:

This tilting feature is an integral part of the gameplay, and it really makes Kirby original and a lot of fun. The designers built the game around this sensor instead of putting a sensor into the game, and it really shows... Since you cannot zoom Kirby around the mazes without screwing up, patience is needed. Of course, you can't take your sweet time—the clock is ticking.

This could just as easily describe the experience of rolling AiAi around on your iPhone. The tilt sensor technology, built into the GBC cartridge, was functionally flawless, even by iPhone standards. The tilt-sensing scheme surfaced in a few more (equally impressive and well received) games, but none ventured too far from the navigation paradigm of Tilt 'n' Tumble. Over the next few years, position-sensitive handheld gaming faded into relative obscurity.

At least, until now. Tilt gaming is now lauded by some as the future of portables, with developers and engineers making inconsistent claims about how powerful and exciting the iPhone is as a platform, even throwing out very favorable comparisons to the PSP and the DS. But does the iPhone really bring anything new to the table? The answer, as you’ve probably guessed by now, is no. Absolutely not.

Think of it this way: The best implementation of iPhone tilt control is conceptually identical to a seven-year-old Game Boy title, which itself was based on the old wooden marble-in-a-labyrinth puzzles that have been around since, well, who knows? The iPhone doesn’t have the buttons of the Game Boy (or DS or PSP), and touchscreen control overlays don’t provide the feedback they need to be adequate substitutes. (Anyone who has played any of NES/SNES/Genesis jailbreak emulators can attest to this.) Perhaps most significantly, the iPhone doesn’t address the shortcomings of tilt gaming that were helpfully pointed out to them in nearly every review of Kirby. Consider again the 2001 IGN review:

You're limited to where and how you can play the game, really... I've played the game outside and in a hotel room with no problems, but on the plane it was a little difficult because of the position you have to hold the system — it's not exactly a game you can sit in your most comfortable position and play.

And another, from the New York Times:

Children who play Kirby in the back seat of the car will learn to loathe potholes and quick turns, which can make Kirby spin out of control.

In respect to the limited locations in which you can play tilt games, the GBC cartridge system is actually superior to the iPhone, as it automatically recalibrates at the start of every game, a feature that Monkey Ball could stand to include.

A portable gaming device that necessitates a certain type of location and position to play isn’t truly portable. Anyone who has tried to play any of the iPhone’s tilt games in a moving car, bus or even train will tell you that slight acceleration in any direction can make sensitive games like Crash Bandicoot Racing and Monkey Ball almost unplayable—and what good are handheld games if you can’t play them in transit?

Since the launch of the app store, nobody has come forward with a truly exciting and original implementation of tilt control. The iPhone has demonstrated that is it capable of retreading tilt gaming territory quite well, but that’s about it.

It sounds harsh to deem iPhone gaming a mere novelty, but until a developer steps forward with something profoundly revolutionary it may be just that. For the most accurate summation of the iPhone’s tilt gaming, don’t listen to John Carmack’s breathless speculation, or Scott Forstall’s eery, glossy-eyed presentations. Look back again, this time to Gamespot:

Yes, Kirby Tilt 'n' Tumble is a gimmicky game, but it's a gimmicky game done well.

For Nintendo, handheld tilt gaming was a fanciful tangent; when the genre was exhausted, they were able to retreat to traditional controls. This option is unfortunately—and maybe fatally—absent from the iPhone, potentially relegating it to the unfortunate status of a impressive, elaborate gimmick.

Let's be honest. We didn't hate the prequels, we were disappointed by them. There's a difference. Okay, maybe we hated The Phantom Menace, at least a little bit. Alright, yeah, Anakin was annoying in pretty much every single prequel film. Guess what? He's annoying here too. Yet he's not nearly as bad as his new Padawan, Ahsoka Tano, introduced to give the kiddies a protagonist they can relate to. Yoda assigns her to Anakin as a Padawan to make him seem more mature and less, well, all of those qualities we hate about him. Problem is, she's all of those things times 7.6, and he never stops being himself, so the onslaught of whine when they're onscreen together makes you wish you brought a bucket of cheese to the theater. It's a heavy burden to deal with in order to watch The Clone Wars since she's a focal point of it. (Imagine Jar Jar getting 75 percent of the screentime in one of the prequels.)

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot of reasons to want to look past the incessant snottiness. The 98-minute film is at least 20 minutes too long, propelled by what could've been a decent plot line that's instead twisted and stretched into a sloppy mess. Obi-Wan (voiced by a solid Ewan McGregor doppelganger) and Count Dooku (happily, still voiced by the inimitable Christopher Lee) offer brief moments of actual satisfaction in what's otherwise a series of disappointingly generic battles. Maybe the reason the battles are so lifeless is that they're droids vs. clones—essentially nothing against nothing. It could be the wholly uninspired, unexciting way it's "shot," combined with the woodblock animation style that makes it look like action figures against action figures. Regardless, after the second fight, they all kind of run together, and from all appearances, it's what we can look forward to in the TV series. Battles in Star Wars should not be boring.

Two of the movie's better moments actually come from new Star Wars tech, or at least stuff not seen in the live action movies. The first—which sets up the battle that gets the movie rolling, and establishes at least moderate hopes—is a giant red neighborhood-sized forcefield that surrounds the invading droid army, shielding them from Republic's massive artillery canons. Okay, really it's borrowed from the Gungans in Phantom Menace, but it's different because it's red! It's a plot device that still works, anyway. Anakin and Ahsoka's first mission is to disable it, while Obi-Wan holds off the droids as long as he can—toward the end this battle is when your heart first drops into your stomach.

While we've seen the AT-TE before, it does something incredible here that we haven't—it vertically scales a goddamn mountain. Somehow, the director manages to make a vertical less enthralling than it should be, but to see this six-ton beast walk up a wall is one of the few times I said "Wow" during the movie.

Sadly, the few things there are to like are vastly overwhelmed by everything you won't. Here's a quick list of everything else you'll hate:
• The Huttlet (aka Stinky)
• Ziro the Hutt (aka Truman Capote + Black New Orleans Crack-Dealing Whore)
• Stupid droids
• The non-John Williams music
• The animation, mostly (Mace Windu looks ghastly, though Count Dooku looks awesome)
• The lightsaber battles (you'll see)
• Most of the dialogue
• The fact you paid to see it

In short, it's the worst Star Wars movie you'll ever see in theaters, if you go, so don't.

At a basic level, they all perform the same function—sensing a disturbance in the force when your finger or stylus or whatever pointy object you've got touches the screen, and then extrapolating that into knowing where you're touching it and relaying that to the software. The differences lie in how each screen detects a touch.

Resistive touchscreens are the ones you've probably put your greasy fingers on more than any other kind, mostly because they're the cheapest and oldest. They're in most touchscreen cellphones, many tablets and the Nintendo DS, to name a very few.

How it works: On the bottom you've got a layer of glass, and on top of that, you've got two more: a conductive and a resistive layer. They've got a sliver of space between them. And on top of that you've got one more layer, which is the one you touch. So, when you push down on the screen, the conductive and resistive layer touch each other, which changes the electrical current running through 'em, and the device can tell from that where your finger or stylus is touching.

Good and bad: While resistive is a good deal cheaper to manufacture at the moment, one downside is that it's hard to do multitouch, because of the constraints and shortcomings of a pressure-based system. Another problem is that the multiple layers of touch technology on top of the LCD block an awful lot of light—think of how much dimmer the DS's bottom screen is than the top one.

Capacitive touchscreens are a bit fancier. They used to be really expensive, but the costs are coming down, so you're seeing them in more stuff, like this touchscreen phone from Apple you might have read about, or Dell's Latitude XT tablet.

How it works: At its most basic level, you've got a layer on top of the actual display panel that has an electrical charge running through it. Since you've got your own electrical mojo going on, when you touch the screen (presumably with your finger), it registers an electrical change. By measuring how much you're mucking up the electrical field and where the biggest disturbances are, the device can determine where you're touching it.

Good and bad: It's far easier to do multitouch with capacitive, and fewer added layers mean more light comes through for a brighter display. Still, because it's all about electrical fields interacting and conductivity and stuff, a hand with a mitten on it will have a hard time making stuff happen, and if you wanna use a stylus, you'll need a special one.

Infrared touch sensing, currently most famously used by Microsoft's Surface table, takes a slightly different approach. Because it works well with larger products, you might end up seeing this one quite a bit, especially from Microsoft.

How it works: Basically, the image on the surface is projected from underneath it, along with infrared light. Also underneath are infrared cameras that can see when the light is reflected by objects (like your fingers or cellphones or whatever), and those images are processed and translated as you move and gesture with pictures and virtual objects.

Good and bad: The good thing about this is that it uses existing technologies that come very cheap; the bad news is that the apparatus itself can be bulky, hence the need for Surface to be hidden inside a table, or at least a large globe. Also, it's sensitive to light, so flash photography or strong sunlight can throw off its game.

More, more, more!! There are some \way more advanced touchscreen technologies that aren't yet in wide use. The surface wave acoustic system uses tranducers and reflectors that detect if the ultrasonic waves being sent between them are disturbed (absorbed, actually), meaning something is touching it. Upside is that no metal crap in the panel means 100 percent brightness and awesome clarity. But apparently dust and crud can affect it, so not good for anywhere dirty.

Sharp and others have released prototype touchscreens with optical sensing tech built directly into the display. They are sensitive enough to detect your finger rubs right down to the pixel. Besides making multitouch easy, it can also double as a scanner because of the whole optical deal. Right now it's for small screens like phones—it can scale to notebook size, but not any larger. Of course, they, like infrared, can be affected by undesired light fluxuations.

Mary Lou Jepsen—the engineering honcho behind OLPC's original XO Laptop and founder of the Pixel Qi LCD development firm—told us recently she is pushing for in-cell touchscreen tech, which would make touchscreens cost the same as regular LCDs and be the same thickness, since touch sensitivity would be part of the LCD's own matrix. The issue is that it'll only work with devices specifically coded to use it; it's not a plug-and-play touchscreen like you could order online for your home DIY fake iPhone. If you're wagering that this secret sauce will help achieve the impossibly low pricetag on OLPC's next baby, the XO-2, you win a cookie.

And that's just about everything you need to know about touchscreens to get by. Resistive and capacitive are the major two to know for now, though you might start hearing a lot more about the other ones soon enough.

Something you still wanna know? Send any questions about touching, feeling or screening to tips@gizmodo.com, with "Giz Explains" in the subject line. Top image from David Nguyen, featured in this Giz Photoshop contest.

First Place — Andy Graber
Second Place — Thanassi Karageorgiou
Third Place — Chip O'Toole

Viewing Experience
The Silverlight-based player runs well—even on a Mac—but its interface has a few rough spots. When it comes to content, there is no comparison—the web player will stream 2,200 hours of live video, where for most sports, only glorified clip roundups will appear on the actual TV. Quality is a different story, as you'd expect. The streamed video is blurry no matter what size you watch it in, even though its at 720x480—a far cry from full HD your TV can get. Also, while it's understandable that NBC wouldn't provide announcers on their streaming player for a North Korea vs. Nigeria soccer game, they don't have announcers for any USA sports online, even big ones like basketball. Watching games without commentary can be painful, believe me. One more complaint: PowerPC Mac users are left out of the experience altogether, as Silverlight only supports Intel machines. [Thanks, downbythetracks!] Advantage: HDTV - Watch as much as you can on TV itself, but be aware of the delays.

Finding Content
When it comes to searching for live broadcasts, neither the streaming player nor HDTV are helpful at all. The TiVo guide says which sports will be shown, but doesn't say if they are tape-delayed. To find that out, you'll have to sort through NBC's schedule, which displays "(LIVE ET/CT)" next to anything broadcast in real time. And sorry West-Coasters; you're totally SOL when it comes to live HDTV—everything is shown for you on a 3-hour tape delay.Then again, seeing the streaming player for the first time may tempt you to bust out the Rosetta Stone. It's actually three players in one, starting with the standard player which is stuffed with ads, tabs, lists, menus and more. For this one, you're best off browsing by channel (#1 in the pic up top), clicking the sport you're interested in and seeing what videos are offered. A button in the corner of the video section (#2) directs you to the enhanced player, which is the best way to watch—it's got a bigger video screen and is so frill- and distraction-free even Frank Costanza would approve.

In the enhanced player, you can watch highlights (#3) and live content with picture-in-picture (#4), and swap between the two seamlessly. You can't search for content in the enhanced player, so you must find it elsewhere and switch over. Finally, a button on the left (#5) takes you to the "Live Video Control Room" which offers the most hyped way to watch the sports you crave—four-channel multi-casting. Advantage: Streaming player - It's very convoluted, but you can't argue with the amount of content on demand.
The Multi-Cast Experience
Gambling junkies and cubicle drones alike will love the streaming player's multi-cast, which allows you to watch up to four events at once. For people trying to actually enjoy sports, the largest video is still too small to see a score, and the other three are barely the size of postage stamps. Swapping between games is easy, but if you expand one to the full-sized player, you lose your other streams, and have to to add them all over again when you return to the multi-cast. Also, sifting through content is unbearable; you can scroll through six videos at a time, but there are almost 200 up there right now, and there's almost two weeks of competition left. Furthermore, you really need to make sure what you're watching is actually live—even though the player looks like it is telling you what's live, the schedule sometimes contradicts this.

HDTV has a multi-cast of its own, and it's called "jumping from event to event." Kudos to NBC's Olympic editors—they seem to have an uncanny idea of when I get sick of gymnastics and want to switch over to volleyball. It's not perfect, but it's effortless and they do a good job with it. Advantage: Even - The streaming multi-cast is great in theory, but execution is pretty weak, though the ability to pick what you want to watch trumps HDTV.

Live Action
Figuring out what is live on TV is harder than figuring out what is live online. You generally have to read the fine print of NBC's listings to find out what TV programs will be aired live. Helpful hint: If it doesn't say live, then it's probably not live. However, one advantage to HDTV is that you may have access to dedicated live basketball and soccer channels, depending on where you live. I just saw it for myself, and it's not airing anything right now, but I have 12 hours of basketball to wake up to tomorrow and I haven't been this excited in weeks.

You can sign up for alerts of both online and TV events via text message or email. Those alerts don't tell you which TV event is live. (On the flipside, alerts for online broadcast are mostly live, because otherwise they would already be available on demand.) The system sadly won't allow you to set a repeating event by team or sport, but if there are games you MUST see—like USA and Spain basketball for me—this is the safest way to make sure you catch it all.

As seen with the USA-China basketball debacle, NBC has no business delaying broadcasts for Pacific time. Thanks to the internet, this old broadcasting habit looks increasingly lame. After all, even those of us without the dedicated HD channels have TiVos and alarm clocks, right? Those who were shut out are not totally out of luck though—if you tell the online service that you have an East Coast cable carrier, it will stream broadcasts in real time to you at the appropriate Eastern Time. (If you are confused, just remember to say your zip code is 10001, and your carrier is Time Warner Cable.) Advantage: Streaming player - In some cases, the only way half the country can see things live is through the online system.

The Final Word
NBC's done a fair job with their streaming player and satisfied years of pent-up frustration by serving such an unprecedented amount of Olympic coverage. But by trying to make things easier, the network seems to have made our lives harder. Diehards of weird sports like fencing or those who need their content more live than Bill O'Reilly can get something from online that they could never get from the tube. But the quality isn't great and using it feels obtuse.

On the other hand, HDTV looks great and has announcers, which is crucial despite its lack of coverage and antiquated tape delay. While the streaming player is a revolutionary leap forward in terms of content, I can't help feeling that it isn't 100% ready for these Olympics, and that the games are still built around your TV set. To get the most complete experience you need to use both, but if you have a DVR and don't mind delay then stick to your HDTV as much as possible. [NBC Olympics]

By now you may already be an Olympic-level Olympics home viewer yourself. If you have any tips, tricks or usage scenarios that make watching the Olympics more easy or fun, by all means share them with us in comments.

Step 1: Get on a Schedule

Even if you set your own class schedule, chances are you are going to have to get up before noon. So, you are going to need an alarm clock that gives you that jump start you need in the morning. I can guarantee that no clock will satisfy on more levels than the Orgazmo. Just set the alarm and an invigorating female orgasm will gently coax you from your slumber. Available for $30. [Gobaz via Link]

Step #2: Dress For Security

If you go to a public school, you will probably find yourself caught in a crossfire at one point or another. Therefore, It is essential that you come to school with the appropriate bullet-proof protection.

Defender Hoodie: Features 2mm of Type IIA bulletproofing in the torso, which is enough armor to stop a 9mm full-metal-jacket round at a velocity of 1,090 feet-per-second. Too bad its only for police officers and security personnel in the UK. And the $845 price tag sucks pretty hard too. [Bladerunner via Link]

Backpack Shield: Made from 13 layers of K-29 Kevlar that could stop a round from a .44 Magnum. Available on a Back to School sale for $155-$180. [Backpackshield via Link]

Step #3: Dress for Success

Dressing up for school isn't all about personal style and deflecting bullets, it is also about getting an edge. No matter what subject you are in, there is an article of clothing that can help you cheat like a champ.

Math Equations Shirt: Available for $15. [Sanchez Circuit]

Calculator Belt Buckle: Available for $10. [BeWild]

Science Crib Sheet Shirt: Available for $25. [Computer Gear]

US History Cheat Shirt: Available for $17. [Snorg Tees]

Step #4: Get the Right Supplies

Sure, you need a decent laptop, calculator, notebooks and the like but may I also suggest:

Doggy Style Pencil Sharpener: Those pencils aren't going to sharpen themselves people. Might as well have a good time doing it. [Link]

LiveScribe Smartpen: This high-tech pen records the audio in the classroom then syncs it with the notes you take. All of that information can be indexed on a PC or you can play back specific portions of audio by tapping the corresponding section on your notepad. Available in 1 and 2GB sizes for $149 and $199 respectively. [Livescribe via Link]

Step #5 Manage Your Time More Effectively

You know all that sleep you are losing by getting up earlier? Catch up in class using some of these sneaky eyelid stickers. Your teacher would probably have to be legally blind to miss it in a small classroom, but in an auditorium you are golden. [Link]

There are dozens of guides online that show you how to get custom firmware onto your PSP in as many different ways. This is the method I found to be the easiest, combining tips from sites like PSP Slim Hacks and Code Retard. Note that this is customized for the PSP Slim, which is the only PSP you can go out to stores and buy, but most of these steps will be the same for the older PSP. I started the process with a PSP running 3.71 firmware, but it should much the same on other versions.

1) Buy a PSP MAX Power TOOL SLIM battery. Trust me. Unless you have a friend who already hacked their PSP and has a service mode battery of their own, this is the easiest solution. There are ways of modifying your current battery to enable service mode on your PSP, but the time spent doing that is much better spent doing ANYTHING else. Buy this for $25 and wait for it to come in the mail.

Update: Reader Wrocky found this $10 version that supposedly does the same thing. Buy it here at Dealextreme. We haven't personally tested it, but if it works, it works! The only downside is that it's made for the original PSP so will stick out of your battery case if you have a PSP Slim. Since you'll only be using this once, that's not a big deal.

2) Make sure you have at least a 256MB Memory Stick and a USB to miniUSB cable to connect your PSP to your computer running a version of Windows XP. I tried this on Vista but it kept erroring out on various parts of the process.

3) Charge your current (normal) battery as well as the MAX Power to full.

4) Download this file here, as linked to from this guide here. Extract the file to your desktop (remember, Windows XP machine).

5) Connect your PSP to your computer via the USB cable and setting it in "USB mode". Use the standard battery for this. If you have any important files on your memory card, back that up to a folder on your computer first.

6) Run the "START.exe" file from the package you extracted. Follow the instructions there. Once this is done, you'll have what's called a "Magic Memory Card", which is used to replace the standard firmware with a customized one. You'll have to pop your memory card in and out as the program tells you during the process. Follow the instructions until it tells you that you're done, then disconnect your PSP and turn it off.

7) Take out your normal battery, but don't put in your MAX Power battery just yet. Hold the L button (the left shoulder button) while inserting in the MAX Power battery. Make sure it's secure and won't fall out fall out while you're putting the battery cover back on.

8) Once the PSP is on (you might have to flip the power toggle) you may see a black screen with white text, or you may see nothing at all—I saw a completely blank screen for some reason. Either way, the power light on your PSP should be green to show that the unit's powered on. To install the firmware, press the X button. You should see the Memory Stick light on the left of your PSP flash with activity. When this is done, the PSP will shut itself off. Congrats! Now you have version 3.71 m33. But you're not done.

9) To upgrade this to version 4.01 (the latest hacked release as of this writing), download these files. First, the official 4.01 firmware. Then, the hacked 4.01 m33 and also 4.01 m33-2. That not a typo, by the way: Those file names are actually backwards and m33 is actually m33-2. Keep this in mind.

10) Extract all 3 files into their own directories. The 401-m332 folder (which should actually be the m33 update and not the m33-2 update) should have a folder called UPDATE under it. The Now, place the 401.PBP file (the official 4.01 firmware file) into the 401-m33 UPDATE. All this is going on on your PC's hard drive, not the PSP.

11) Then connect your PSP to your PC again (put the normal battery back), enable USB mode and copy the entire UPDATE folder from your PC onto /PSP/GAME/ onto your PSP's memory card.

12) On your PSP, exit USB mode, go to the Game and then Memory Stick, and run the PSP Update. Follow the instructions on screen, and you should have a PSP running 4.01 m33.

13) Now, connect your PSP to your computer using USB mode, delete the UPDATE folder under /PSP/GAME from your PSP, and copy over the UPDATE folder that belongs to the 401m33-2 file from your PC onto the PSP. Then go to the Game section and run this update on your PSP. You don't need the official 4.01 firmware in your UPDATE folder for this. Woohoo, you're finished.

Are you ready to get some homebrew going? Hit up PSP Hacks for a big list of applications you can run, including web apps, radio apps, Sudoku and even emulators. For obvious reasons, we're not going to link you to actual ROMs to run on an SNES emulator, but you can find those in the usual places you get ROMs. There are several SNES emulators to choose from, but this SNES emulator runs particularly well on the PSP, lending itself to old school gaming on the go.

Although a side effect of homebrew is that you can run pirated PSP games on your PSP, that's being pretty naughty and isn't something we encourage. The fact that a lot of people are doing this is contributing to (according to Sony) the lack of good games for the platform, which hurts everybody. Try not do to this.

What you can do is rip your old PS1 games and play THOSE on your PSP without waiting for an official release and having to pay Sony again for something you already own. Another idea when you're going on vacation is to get a 16GB Memory Stick and load all the PSP games you own onto it so you don't have to carry around so many UMDs. In order to rip PS1 games, you'll need a program like ISOBuster (there are others as well) that can take your disc and create an "image" of it on your hard drive, which is just a file representing the contents of the CD. You then plug those files into a program called PSX eBoot Creator to make it suitable for your PSP. The file and instructions on how to use it can be found here. You don't need a separate emulator once you have the eBoot file, but you do need plenty of space on your Memory Stick (1GB is probably only enough to hold a couple small games or one large one).

Thanks: We wanted to thank all the hard work that the PSP community—which includes PSP Slim Hacks and Code Retard which we got much help installing this from.

Did you like this How To tutorial? The point was to give you the easiest path from start to finish, even if it required you to spend money on purchasing something. Your time is valuable, which means you don't want to spend hours solving something yourself when it can easily be bypassed with a few dollars. What do you want to see a How To on? Drop us a note at tips@gizmodo.com with the subject "How To Suggestion".

First, some ground rules on the scope and purpose of my testing:

The headphones tested are all what you'd consider "upgrades" rather than "replacements" for the crap headphones that came with your MP3 player. While I capped pricing at $200, my "cheapest" pair started at around $40. The three tiers are under $100, $100-$150, and $150-$200.

The most practical measure of sound quality is to just sit and listen. I focused on in-ear headphones because they are built not just to jam a driver right next to your ear, but to block outside noise. It's simple: less ambient noise = better experience.

In the spirit of cutting aside the science-based marketing jargon, my tests were unscientific, but consistent across the board and based on real-world situations. The methodology was simple: a current-gen iPod, a sonically diverse playlist of music and, for isolation testing, a seat on the 14 bus in San Francisco, then some time next to a white noise machine.

With so much of the earphone inside of your ear, rustling of the cable can cause some serious noise. If the cable isn't properly buffered from the earphone, the deep, annoying shuffling can interfere your music when you try to walk or turn your head. That's why I made note of "cable noise"—this isn't to suggest there was some kind of buzz or white noise from the cable itself.

Here are the results of my testing:

Under $100
The Winner: Ultimate Ears metro.fi 2 Along with providing great sound and a decent fit, this set appeals to your normal side. The earbuds are as pleasing to the eye as they are to the ear, with a tasteful matte finish and an almost flush fit. In other words, you don't feel as ridiculous as you might with the Shure ear-garrotes or some of the other Ultimate Ears' protruding Frankenstein monster plugs. They don't sit too deep, so if you're apprehensive about the ear-rapey aspect of other offerings, you'll be comfortable with these. The sound, though emphasizing the low end, is clear and competitive with much more expensive units.

The Losers: This is a tricky price point, as some stock earbuds (Apple, Sony) are actually pretty good. Slapping a rubber cuff on a half-baked product doesn't justify a price of $50+. In the case of Apple's in-ears and the CX300, you aren't really experiencing a different class of audio than with stock buds, though there is a marked improvement. The CX500s put on a good show for bass junkies, but that's about it. Creative has a nice product with a great price, but it just can't measure up to the metro.fi on the performance front.

$100-$150
The Winner: Shure SE110 This price point offers the highest price to performance ratio, and the SE110 is the best of the lot. If you can get over the deep penetration and the over-ear looping, you'll find that the SE110s are comfortable, block out plenty of ambient noise and most importantly produce stunning, immersive sound. The tones are wisely balanced, and quality is at the level that you'll be noticing new things about songs that you've heard dozens of times. Decent discounts are available at various online retailers, as is the case with most of this category.

The Losers: Manufacturers know that this is a sweet spot for consumers, so the market is crowded with good options. The hardware starts to look a little more "professional," or more accurately, "weird." Etymotics, always fans of producing earphones that are really good on paper, fails with the ER6 not because of quality issues, but because the buds are awkward and overwhelm with the high and middle tones. The company's new earphone tips, however, are amazing (more on this below, in the more expensive category). Ultimate Ears loses their luster at this level. Creative is yet again a nice runner-up; the Zen Aurvanas are very capable, but couldn't supplant the crystal-clear SE110s.

$150-$200
The Winner: Etymotics hf5 Ostensibly designed with portable music players in mind, the hf5s solve the balance problems of the er6 models and much, much more. They're cool looking (with the right tips, they look like sci-fi laser pistols), have little to no cable movement noise and reproduce sound in a way that is both perfectly clear and highly enjoyable. Everything about these gives the impression of quality, from the brushed aluminum finish to the way that music suddenly sounds distinctly layered in a way that it didn't before, and that it doesn't on many similarly priced units. One caveat, though: the hf5s (and the er6s, for that matter) must be used with the new foam rubber tips, called "Mushrooms." They're a little phallic and sort of a sickly gray, but they are leaps and bounds better than Etymotics' trademark flanged tips. The tighter seal that these offer to most people is conducive to better listening, and the isolation properties are superb. You can't hear anything else with these guys in. Every manufacturer should have something like this. According to the Etymotics people, by the time the hf5s ship these will be standard issue. Good.

The Losers: To sum up the category: Expensive without enough added benefit. Spending $100 will get you a phenomenal listening experience, so it's hard to justify spending more. The $200 cap was intended to filter out the luxury market/audiophile products that tend to show up at about that price, but hints of both are apparent here. The Shure SE210s are a wonderful pair of earphones, but the large premium over the SE110s is a dealbreaker, as side-by-side comparisons expose only the slightest variation in sound quality. The Klipsch Custom-2s are more of a luxury item than the others, with woven cable housing and a case that is ready for you iPod as well. Harman Kardon is just batting out of their league here, and Ultimate Ears doesn't improve on their cheaper models, even introducing some pretty terrible cable noise.

If you're looking to get the most out of your MP3 player, you'll have to spend some money. But as it turns out, the general rule is that once you pass about $100, your audio improvements will become smaller and more expensive. After reviewing all of these earphones, one simple fact is very clear: If I were in the market for a new set of earphones, I would buy the SE110s.

This might seem like an odd topic for Giz Explains, our weekly "WTF is that?" series, but a bunch of comments last week revealed a need to plainly explain the tussle going on between internet service providers, the Federal Communications Commission, content providers and you, and how it's shaping the way you'll use internet over the next couple of years. First, a quick primer.

Comcast was caught slowing down BitTorrent traffic last year by the Associated Press. It (re)sparked cries for government-mandated net neutrality—treating all internet traffic equally, whether it's email, Skype or a bootleg of The Dark Knight over torrent. While that didn't happen, a complaint against Comcast went through the FCC, which ruled against it last week, saying that slowing down BitTorrent was a naughty thing to do, and that they must disclose all management practices to subscribers.

In the meantime, a different network management trend started to emerge among the major ISPs: metered broadband, aka data caps. It's like dial-up service or wireless data: After reaching your alotted amount of data for the month, you pay extra, maybe through the nose, as our northern neighbors in Canada are familiar with. Conveniently, it's "net neutral," since it doesn't discriminate against particular kinds of traffic, and it's fully disclosed to subscribers so it satisfies guidelines discussed by FCC Chairman Kevin Martin. In case you're looking to file a complaint, Electronic Frontier Foundation Senior Staff Attorney Fred Von Lohmann told us, "There's certainly nothing to stop them from pricing that way if they want to."

Time Warner was the first major to float the plan, which is currently in testing, with a 40GB cap at the high-end. Comcast is considering a metered approach as well, its spokesman has confirmed. AT&T is the most recent major ISP to jump onboard, and it'll be testing caps in the fall. Not to mention Cox Cable and a whole mess of regional ISPs already implement them.

Here's the rub: The P2P apps ISPs point to as pillaging their networks are increasingly a nonexistant bogeyman. Video is now the actual bandwidth monster, and it's only getting hungrier and hungrier.

The thing about all that video is that it competes with what your ISP is probably delivering to your other screen in the living room. Why watch 30 Rock on your couch at specific time when you can grab it on demand on your laptop with Hulu, or on a Netflix Roku box? That awesome Vudu box you bought? Pulling in Transformers in HD uses your cable provider's pipes, but it doesn't see a dime from the transaction.

Suppose you decide to be pseudo-green and opt for an all-digital approach from Vudu or Apple TV, and you have a moderate habit of two movies a week. A 90-minute movie running at a constant bitrate of 2.5 megabits per second (you're talking HD here) will swallow 1.69 GB. If you've got a 40GB cap, eight movies will eat over a quarter of it. And that's just your rental habit, with today's specs. The 1080p flicks they'll be streaming tomorrow will be even more bandwidth intensive.

More importantly, today's geek frontier is tomorrow's mainstream playground. Like game demos on Xbox Live? Or games-for-purchase on Steam? Those are a gig or two a pop, and as more and more games are distributed digitally, the gigs will add up. Which is also part of the problem as far as the ISPs are concerned: AT&T's tech chief glibly notes that "traffic on our backbone is growing 60 percent per year, but our revenue is not."

While I wanted to tell you that data caps will destroy the internet as we know it, really video is what's actually facing the greatest threat. Time Warner has openly said content providers can't have it both ways. And the EFF's von Lohmann told us that while he hasn't "seen any evidence that [metered broadband] will radically change the internet" he is "worried that companies that have their own video they're delivering over the same pipe they deliver internet service will have an incentive to reduce caps" and it's a "valid concern worth watching." It would effectively have us paying twice for video delivered over the internet. Most people can barely stand paying for it once.

Sony PSP: A healthy and thriving homebrew community had sprung up around Sony's PSP, with alternate, user-made firmware adding new functionality like a wider range of supported media codecs and the ability to share music. Oh, and, well, there was also that little issue of mass piracy of games. Sony issued a number of firmware upgrades—a whopping six each in 2006 and 2007—designed to curb the little thieves, but which had the unfortunate side effect of discouraging the more creative, less piratical wing of the homebrew community. Sony used the "carrot and stick" method, enticing users with marginal new functions when the real purpose of the upgrade was to stop the homebrewers. This led to users actually trying to downgrade, or move back to an earlier firmware. Sony in turn tried to make it harder to downgrade, escalating the squabble into a war with its own customers.
Degree of Evilness: High. This is a deliberate attempt to harsh PSP users' buzz.

Sony PlayStation 3: The PS3's anticipated firmware 2.40, on the other hand, was a simple disaster. The famously expensive console was due to receive a major update, adding the flashy XMB interface to the mix. Unfortunately, while the update did work for some, it bricked a lot of PS3s, producing some very upset gamers. Sony pulled the update and re-released it, repaired, as 2.41, but Sony's mucked-up firmware was the Story of the Day. Bad press, ill will and useless hulking black machines. Not a great moment for Sony.
Degree of Evilness: Low. Simple incompetence from a corporation that should know better.

Apple iPod: Back in 2004, Real cracked Apple's FairPlay code in order to allow music purchased from Rhapsody to be played on iPods. When Apple released an update blocking Rhapsody users, Real cracked it again. Apple released another block update, and so on until Real ran out of steam. We doubt there was much demand for the service at the time, but Apple's clampdown was shameless. Hell, Apple could have played Real compatibility as yet another reason to buy an iPod.
Degree of Evilness: Medium-High. In the end, it was more bratty than evil.

Apple iPhone/iPod touch: When the first iPhone/iPod touch software was jailbroken, a few updates came out under the guise of bug fixing that just happened to make unauthorized use a lot more difficult. This time around, with the 2.0 release, the setbacks were more accidental than deliberate. The new 2.0 firmware may have creaked open the floodgates for third-party applications, but it also resulted in a lot of instability. Thanks to the update, iPhones have crashed at a rate never seen before (well, outside of my last couple Windows machines, that is), the keyboard gained a frustrating lag, "backing up" takes almost as long as the Iraq occupation (zing!), and, in a total affront to common sense, THERE IS STILL NO COPY-PASTE.
Degree of Evilness: Middle. A mix of self-preservation and circumstance, with some brazen stubbornness from His Steveness thrown in.

Nintendo Wii: In Nintendo's Photo Channel 1.1 firmware update, the game maker quietly removed support for MP3 playback in their Wii console. They replaced it with support for the iPod-friendly AAC codec, a far-too-obvious hint at what we all suspected: Nintendo has been taken over by the White Devil. How else do we explain the move from that GameCube controller that was clearly designed for some moon octopus to a remote control so simple I can operate it with my genitals? What about the new and incredibly racist all-white color scheme, the minimalist design aesthetic, and the cavalier and haughty attitude toward competition? Readers, watch out, or Jobs will get you ne-AAAACK!
Degree of Evilness: Nintendo can do no wrong. (And Steve Jobs is perfect.)

Firmware updates that leave you worse off than you were before are a kick in the crotch. But what about the slow, increasingly painful wedgie of unfulfilled promises? Electronics companies often promise to deliver features in firmware updates that, for whatever reason, aren't included at the time of purchase. In the best of cases, this is frustrating: Samsung's P2, for instance, promised Bluetooth compatibility, games, skins and more upon release, but was only achieved, finally, months later. But what if, as in Samsung's Blu-Ray/HD DVD combo player, the product line dies before the promised features (Blu-Ray 2.0 compatibility) can be updated? Firmware updates should be a surprise, a freshly-wrapped hand-me-down present that makes your crappy old gadget seem somehow new again, not a license to shove an unfinished product out the door.

This is just a short list of troubling firmware updates—if you have some firmware horror stories of your own to share, be our guest. And for all of you who immediately click "YES PLEASE!" to all auto-updaters, take heed, and maybe wait 24 hours before doing the upgrade.

First Place — Nathan McAllister
Second Place — Kaiser-Machead
Third Place — Ryan Goff
Honorable Mention — Steven McGann
One thing of note about the entries this week: there were an absolutely insane number of Apple/Steve Jobs references. I mean, there are always iPhones and Apple logos and Steve Jobs in the Photoshop Contest entries, but this week it felt like 90% of them had that in there. I'm not saying don't reference Apple, but I will say the ones without an Apple reference got preference for inclusion in the Gallery of MS Paint Champions so the whole thing wasn't all focused around the same "Apple as Overlords" joke. Food for thought for future contests.

Anyhow, on to the gallery!

"The new Legacy Collection Millennium Falcon from Hasbro is the greatest Star Wars toy ever made. No joke. Beats Amidala’s Royal Starship. Beats the AT-AT. And even the Imperial Troop Transporter. This Falcon is the “hunk of junk” we’ve been waiting for since May '77.

First thing you’ll notice when you crack the cardboard is her size. Some 30 percent larger than the original from back in the day. You know—the one your Mom tossed in the garbage while you were in college rolling D20’s and learning BASIC. So prepare to upgrade your playroom/display case shelves to docking bay 94 size.

This Falcon has plenty of interior room for parties. And doesn’t lack for little nubs to slot your figures atop. Or chairs where they can take a seat. The chairs are particularly cool. Remember those babies? From the scene where Luke trains with the saber and Han flips him attitude? The ones that George Lucas copied for his custom Lear Jet back in the '80s. You knew that, right? That he took a large portion of his Star Wars gold and used it to have the interior of his private plane modified to resemble the interior of the Falcon! (Not true, of course. But still—my favorite old school SW rumor!)

This Falcon’s paint job is slick. And so detailed I’m guessing it must’ve been done by next-gen droids, or Jawa slave children with very small hands. All the tech in this Falcon is state of the art. She’s got sound effects up the gundark. Triggered via multiple buttons strategically placed around her sturdy Corellian hull. The orange light at the rear of the cockpit is cool. As is the sweet blue band of engine light that accompanies the jump to hyperspace. But my fave feature has to be the twin LED’s that illuminate when the boarding ramp slowly lowers at the touch of a button. Perfect for lighting up the squishy floor of any odd looking asteroid cave.

One can only hope this magnificent spice smuggler heralds an approaching renaissance from the boffins at Hasbro. The build quality, attention to detail, and sheer number of features on the Legacy Collection Falcon will raise the expectations of Star Wars Fans the republic over. Owning your own freighter ain’t cheap. You may need to sell your mint in-box landspeeder from ’77 to cover the cost. But she’s worth it. See you on the Kessel run! I think 11 parsecs is doable! "

Jesse Alexander also blogs at Global Couch.
[Hasbro]

Well, here's the video of my flight with Glenn Martin's jetpack ($100,000 of someone else's money at work). And for those who may have missed it, I wrote about the experience in explicit detail yesterday. Even though it's pretty comedic to watch me fumbling around a foot off the ground, the ride really is intense from the cockpit. [Video shot by Jon Schwab, Edited by Mark Wilson]

Instead, I gun the throttle. It is time to fly.

I was at the EAA AirVenture Oshkosh Wisconsin Air show, which is basically Woodstock with planes. For one week, the local airport, a normally nondescript and noncommercial entity, fills with 5.2 miles of every aircraft imaginable. And everyone camps out. Just picture a priceless antique WWI fighter restored to perfect luster. Now put a two-person Coleman tent beside it. If you duplicate that scene a few thousand times, that’s the Oshkosh air show.

Oh, and there’s always some hotshot dive-bombing in the sky. Today, as I prepped to test out the Martin Jetpack, I could be that hotshot (or maybe just that yuppie who always wanted to be the hotshot, dying with a Blue Cross card in one hand and a Darwin award in the other).

In photographs, the Martin Jetpack made my stomach drop. Even compared to other jetpacks, it is huge, with garbage-can-sized, turbines.

At the launch strip, it was unceremoniously unloaded from a Ryder truck—not exactly the invention’s most glorious photo op, but the delivery was a nod to its humble surroundings. Standing in front of the device among the crowds, it didn’t scare me so much. This jetpack didn’t look like the garage-born contraption I’d thought it to be (and to some extent it actually is) but a glossy, hi-tech device that was crudely slapped with a "sold" sticker teasing its $100,000 price tag.

Martin’s “jetpack” is technically misnamed. The two high-speed fans on the pack’s rear have no internal combustion and fire nothing but room temperature air at the ground. Meanwhile, it was the 200HP engine that looked like it wanted to crack free of its pretty housing, barely visible from under the surface, a bucking mustang pulling a buggy.

Waiting for my chance to ride, I'd picked up some of the individual pack components on display in the Martin booth. It quickly became apparent that nearly the entirety of the pack's 250lb weight was saved for its motor. Huge chunks of the paneling were unnervingly light—almost weightless, really. A mixture of carbon fiber and Kevlar, one hollow piece felt like the water tank from a military-grade Super Soaker. I wondered if it would support my weight should I stand on it. I never tried, but I bet it could have at least put up a good fight.

After giving the Martin Jetpack a visual inspection and a solid grope, I was feeling pretty confident about my flight, despite Martin's admission to a few testing "incidents" during the pack's 20+ years of development.

We prepped for launch in the ultralight area of the festival, far from the crowds in case anything bad should happen. Unlike the ultra-chic grounds showcasing personal jets and the less-ostentatious (but probably equally rich) vintage plane camp, we were among relative blue collars flying little more than motorized kites, lighting their charcoal barbecues on rusty porta-grills after landing.
On any other day, the grass runway could have doubled as a pick-up football field.

After dressing in an undersized flight suit that I was warned to keep black, not red or yellow, I made my slow-mo trek to the pack. The sun was setting as a soft breeze rippled the grass like waves on the ocean. It really wouldn’t be the worst place to die by fuel explosion or propeller decapitation, but I would have liked more witnesses and maybe a cooler jumpsuit.

Then it was time to mount up. The pack’s design is a bit odd in that it appears to have a seat, but there’s nothing really holding your butt in. Instead, a body harness straps you to the machine á la parachute so tightly that you simultaneously half-sit and half-stand. The only thing supporting the majority of the pilot’s weight is the jetpack itself, which has well-balanced built-in support legs. “It’s uncomfortable now, but you won’t notice in the air,” an engineer assured me, referring to a set of straps quickly invading my crotch. He could tell I didn’t believe him, but to his credit, he ended up being right.

Your arms rest on half-cylinders like you’d see in arm crutches, evoking fleeting images of me as a paraplegic. Especially as I was getting a feel for the throttle/pitch and tilt dual joysticks, my forearms felt twisted in a different direction than my hands. To crank the throttle 100%, it required an uncomfortable wrist rotation.

From within the cockpit, I noticed the jetpack’s display for the first time. Resting around waist-high, I immediately realized that it was too low to ever use while flying. They hinted that a helmet-based HUD was in the works, but then they handed me some basic headgear. Putting it on made me think of the possibilities of crashing, and yet, I still had no clue how to fly this thing with strange uncomfortable controls that looked nothing like my Xbox controller and controller gauges that were out of my field of vision. They barely prepped me with any directions on how to fly her, and yet, I was about to.

The helmet censored my peripheral vision and as it steamed up, the smudgy plastic visor blurred what little vision I had left, like someone had conveniently smeared a jar of Vasoline over the most critical sense for flight.

I flipped on the engine. I could not smell the exhaust or feel its vibration.

But I could hear it, groaning like a dirt bike that had just hit puberty. One thumbs up. Two thumbs up. Glenn Martin placed his hand over mine on the throttle and gave me a nod. I was suddenly very, very comforted that I was being babied so much, that the jetpack’s inventor would intercede if I laid down too much testosterone.

My survival instinct kicked in a bit harder: What if I shot 100 feet in the sky? What if the pack flipped me headfirst into the ground? What if the pack flipped me headfirst into the ground and then pounded my head repeatedly into the dirt? What if it just exploded?

With all these completely rational fears filling my head, I twisted the stick. Maybe it's because while my senses are muffled, and my body is strapped to this contraption, the throttle is the one thing I still have control over.

The engine responds by flattening every blade of grass in a 10-foot radius and humming intently.

For a second, I wonder if I am giving it enough gas. And then I can't feel the ground.

I am flying.

I rise about a yard and instinctively kick back the throttle. The system responds just as I expect—somehow I cut the gas just the right amount to hover perfectly.

And then I "stand still" in the air, dumbfounded, not sure what to do and not necessarily wanting to do anything else. There are a lot of people taking pictures, but instead of feeling glamorous I reach my confused feet for the ground like an overgrown baby.

The sensation is not as I’d expected. I don't feel pulled up, but it isn't weightlessness either. I simply rise.

That detachment is frightening. I was told by one engineer that he flew by feel, but right now I can't feel a damn thing. Pitch, roll, yew—or was it yaw—who knew?

I have an impulse to cut the throttle and bring her down, but remember that a small squadron of experienced engineers were there just to prevent me from breaking myself (or their only working prototype). I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I tell myself repeatedly. My left hand jams the gas and without the feel of any obvious guiding propulsion, I move forward.

Dust and grass flies everywhere. Nearby gawkers have their clothing pushed tightly to their skin and they shield their faces. For about 20 feet, I glide over a perfectly smooth invisible track. I am the eye of the hurricane, the calm and the storm! And before I know it, I am rapidly heading for a line of cameras bordering the flight area. Chopping the throttle ended the flight. The landing was softer than I’d have thought, with none of the pack’s weight burdening my spine or legs, although that could have been a lot different had I cut the gas from the rated 400 feet of altitude.

And as cliché as it may be, the flight felt like a lifetime. Total actual time free from the tyranny of gravity: about 15 seconds.

Giddy, I can only nod "yes" to onlookers as the engine went silent, the only motion I feel coming from adrenaline jitters.

I want to do it again.

With a basic understanding of the machine, I imagine all the things I can do better the second time around, like turning, going higher, and making a more confident landing for the crowd. It really is a nice machine.

But as someone somewhere once said, the first one’s free; the second will cost you. And there were no more rides to be had with the $100k jetpack until I bought one.

Coming down from the high over the next several hours, I replayed the event a hundred of times in my head. Because as pitiful as I looked fumbling just a few feet over the ground, the act was flying and it was as remarkable as all geeks imagine it.

At one point I guess that Martin hadn’t exaggerated the pack’s ability to cruise at a 300-400 foot altitude. The pack’s engine had a lot of power left in it. And even though I didn’t make a note during the test, I bet that I didn’t even top 3000 RPM during my launch. My test flight was the equivalent of driving a Ferrari on a school day when children are present.

The other sadder, inevitable point that I realized is that despite what you may have heard about the “world’s first practical jetpack,” it's not for the masses, even if it cost much less.

It’s practical in that it’s the first jetpack that can be flown for over a minute (half an hour, actually) and it runs on unleaded fuel. But the controls require true expertise and intense focus—this isn’t the Segway of the sky. I’d bet that you’d need at least the mandatory 15 hours of flight school to feel comfortable flying alone. And to go higher into the air, you’d probably want plenty of 10-foot field-testing first.

But that’s not to say the jetpack is not great. To borrow a line from Ferris Bueller: “It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.” And many ultralight enthusiasts probably will.

Though maybe even more importantly, it's a triumph of the inventor in days when software programs design our next wave of processors. In an era when the future brings ethereal promises of microscopic transistors and invisible wireless data, the Martin Jetpack is a glorious homage to the mechanical and a reminder that engineers still have a lot of tinkering left to do—much of it with actual engines.

Religion: A lot of people look to religion to help them answer life's toughest questions—but we rarely, if ever get an answer. Not so with these products:

Answer Me Jesus and Answer Me Buddha: Anyone who has ever used a Magic 8-Ball knows that the answers you receive are extremely vague. The Answer Me Jesus and Answer Me Buddha are no different, but if you ask the right questions you just might receive some guidance. [Answer Me Jesus]

Submissive Jesus: If you don't mind going to hell you could go the extra mile and shake Jesus down for the answers you seek. Just pray to him then twist the crown of thorns on his head. The pain will force him to answer you with one of 100 phrases. Available for $27. [Pirromount]

Ninjas, Bacon and Dead Stoners: If religion is not your thing, try investigating some alternative sources. Some very alternative sources.

What Would a Ninja Do? What Would Bacon Do?: Take one of these folders to work and give the dial on the front a spin to find out what a ninja or a piece of bacon would do in your situation. Available for $5. [Ninja and Bacon]

Weedja Board: It's like a traditional Ouija board except this one specializes in contacting stoners for guidance from beyond the grave. "Hey Uncle Jerry. What do you think—Doritos or Donuts?" Available for $33. [BeWild]

Games of Chance: Sometimes you just have to rely on the luck of the draw to help you make a decision.

Electronic Rock, Paper, Scissors: Sure you could play a traditional game of Rock, Paper, Scissors—but you still have to decide on a strategy. This electronic version eliminates even that small bit of decision making by choosing your hand sign for you. Available for $9. [Prank Place]

Magnetized Executive Decision Maker: Many of our toughest decisions are made at work, and this little device can help you climb the corporate ladder virtually stress-free. Just give the pendulum a push and wait until it settles on an answer. Available for $11.95. [X-treme geek]

Dartboard Executive Decision Maker: If you want to have a little more fun with the decision making process, this dartboard version of the executive decision maker will certainly fit the bill. Available for $6. [Office Playground]

Lie Detectors: When you seek answers from another human being, you may need to rely on a lie detector to find the truth.

The DeFIBulator: This handheld unit claims to separate the truth from the lies by measuring stress, tension, excitement and variations in a person's voice. If the device believes the person in question is lying, the horns and nose of the "Demonochio" character on the display will grow. It can even be hooked up to your cellphone so you can conduct covert interrogations. Available for $40. [LiveScience Store]

iPhone Bonus: If you have an iPhone, there are a few apps out there that you can use to help make decisions on the go.

UrbanSpoon: I eat out a lot which means that I am constantly faced with the dilemma of choosing a restaurant. With the UrbanSpoon app you can set a geographic location, genre and price point for a meal then give the phone a shake to find a place to eat. The process can be as random as you want it to be which is great for people looking to try new things.